This month I'm going to start my series of columns on joke making. On our web site you will be able to download a speech package to suit you; with the methods that I will teach you over the next six months you will be able to personalise your speech with original wit appropriate to the Bride and Groom.

This month I take a look at creating puns, i.e. jokes based on double meanings. A vast percentage of all jokes fall into this category. The first step in writing a joke using a pun is to think of a word with more than one meaning. For your wedding speech I recommend going several steps beyond that:-

• Write down all the subjects and themes you can think of about the Bride and Groom
  • their shared interests
  • their separate interests
  • their history together
  • etc.
• and brainstorm every single word and phrase that comes to mind, whether it has an obvious double meaning or not, write these down.
• Then study these words for possbile puns
• Craft these into appropriate sentences

I'm going to illustrate this using the subject of golf.

Here's my brainstormed list:
tee
drive, driver, driving
club
clubhouse
ball(s)
caddy
trolley
green(s)
fairway
bunker
flag
round
hole
iron
birdie
handicap
grip
stance
hole in one
shank

You may be able to think of many more, in which case why not have a go now! write down your extra words and follow along with the example.

As I say, I recommend that you go through this process for every aspect of the Bride and Groom that you can think of - by doing this you will come up with several strong ideas for jokes, and you don't need many.

The next step is to go through the list and write down as many meanings for each word, or phrases, that you can think of that use the word. Here we go:

tee:
golf ball holder, cup of tea, letter T, tee hee

drive, driver:
golf club, car-driving, Minnie Driver, "drive a" long way

club:
golf club to hit balls with, chocalate biscuit, social club, golf club, club foot, card suit

clubhouse:
18th hole, clubs live there?

ball(s):
golf ball, part of man's wedding tackle, dance, ball of foot, lotto balls, a load of balls, bawl

caddy:
club carrier, tea caddy

trolley:
golf trolley, supermarket trolley, off-his-trolley

green(s):
golf green, vegetables, ball colour in snooker, traffic light - go

fairway:
golf fairway, fare way, fair weigh

bunker:
golf bunker, air raid bunker, debunker, history is bunk

flag:
golf flag, corner flag, flagpole, flagging (tired)

round:
round of golf, come round (visit), come round (from unconsciousness), circular, spherical,, round of pints, fat

hole:
golf hole, dive, a right hole, whole, hole in wallet, polo mint

iron:
ironing, cutlery, ion, steel

birdie:
dicky bird, watch the birdie

handicap:
golf handicap, disability, disadvantage, Andy Capp, handy cap

grip:
grip on a golf club, grip on something else, get a grip

stance:
stance when taking a shot, position on a subject

hole in one:
one shot into the hole from teeing off, a physical hole in something

shank:
to knock the ball way off course, Armitage Shanks

And now we come to the analysis:
scan down the list of twenty words and their meanings to see if a joke comes to mind. What you are looking for is to deceive the audience into thinking of one meaning when you actually mean the other.

My ideas follow in joke form - some of them are very weak, but there are a few which are quite passable. If you have ever done brainstorming at work you will know that at this stage it is the quantity of ideas that matter! simply write them down, do not stop to think or evaluate then - this comes later.

If you do this exercise for every area of the Bride and Groom's interests, you will probably be in a position of deciding which jokes not to use, and selecting only a few very good ones.

clubs
I am sorry that James has decided to throw away his clubs, but I'm delighted that in Jane he has picked up his hearts.

driving
James was explaining to Jane at a time when she was learning about golf, that a tee was something to hold his balls when he was driving. She said "Gosh, BMW think of everything!"

tee
he keeps his ball holders in a mug - it's his cup of tee.

balls
On the fairway one day, Jane said: "James, what's that lump in your pocket?" He said "Don't worry, it's only golf balls." She said: "Is that something like tennis elbow?"

green
James was thrown out of his first golf club for digging up the turf and putting it in a flower pot. "What are you doing?" they said. He responded "I'm only potting the green." They said: "You fool! This is golf, not snooker!"

hole:
The eighteenth hole - you should have seen it, it was a right hole

iron and trolley
He knows a lot about golf equipment - you should see his 5 iron - it's a Russell Hobbs. And he's ever the radical - he was arrested when he wheeled out his new golf trolley - it was from Sainsbury's.

handicap
I'm not sure if his handy-cap is his flat cap or his club foot.

grip
At least all that work on his grip means he can now carry four beer mugs in each hand.

hole in one
He took his new golf shoes back to the shop. Why? Because he got a hole in one.

shank
In the gents in the clubhouse last week, I saw that someone had written above the words Armitage Shanks: "aye, but nowhere near as bad as James does!"
(Please see the meaning of "shank" above if this joke seems a little obscure).

So I've managed to come up with some form of wit for 11 of the above 20 - odd terms. You can do the same with any subject. You might even be able to think of more golf jokes from the above double meanings, or maybe even better ones than mine.

By the time you have done this exercise for several of the topics you identified you are sure to have a few humorous quips that closely adapt your speech to the people involved.

I wish you well with it. I know that if you have gone for the assistance provided in one of our speech packs you will have a very good speech at your disposal already; it can only enrich it further if you add some gems of your own using the methods outlined here, and over the next few months.

Bruno Barton

---